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18th over: England 56-2 (Cook 16, Pietersen 7) Watson is wided for a lolloping bouncer to Cook, who he then beats with a good one, full and a touch wider. I don't know what to make of Watson's bowling. It looks like filth, it smells like filth, but then he produces a jaffa that makes you everything you think you know, and most of the things you know you know. And he has a Test bowling average of 28.20. "Do we think," begins Palfreyman, "that despite the two wickets and Watson, that Australia's attack looks a bit thin?" We certainly don't. You may think what you like but we are bloody terrified. More coffee please!
17th over: England 53-2 (Cook 15, Pietersen 6) Australia might have been tempted to go straight to the left-arm spinner Xavier Doherty against Kevin Pietersen, but a more reliable option is Ben Hilfenhaus - especially as Pietersen had problems with him last year (remember that dismissal at Cardiff). So Hilfenhaus replaces Johnson, a definite plan for Pietersen. He gets one to pop a little from a length and surprise Pietersen, but that's about all. England take three singles from the over. "Every time you call for coffee," says Ian Copestake, "a little Matt Berry voice appears."
16th over: England 50-2 (Cook 14, Pietersen 3) Pietersen mangled Watson during the World Twenty20 final, a calculated assault on the man England clearly regarded as the weak link, but this is a different business entirely and I doubt he'll go after him here. Pietersen contents himself with a single and then Cook - who I would tell you is playing well were I not scared of the inevitable consequences of telling you he's playing well - blocks/leaves the rest of the over. "Rather a lot of face fuzz on display on the Aussies?" sniffs Adam Hirst. "Is John Stonestreet mad? Those Australian taches look like they wouldn't get wet from a full pint of Guinness. Maybe by the next Ashes, they might have a whole Merv between them. David Boon's tash used to come out from his helmet guard and irritate the batsman when he fielded at short leg. I guess Kevin Pietersen found a stray moustache hair up his nose earlier. He was digging around in there and definitely pulled something out."
15th over: England 49-2 (Cook 14, Pietersen 3) Kevin Pietersen gets off the mark with a nice flick through midwicket for three, and then Cook pulls Johnson disdainfully for four, his first boundary of the day. On Sky, Shane Warne is imploring Australia to pitch the ball up more. "Does anyone keep beer in the fridge these days? Vodka and Barbadan rum? I don't feel like such a lush now I've seen what you lot are drinking!" This session has driven me to the can of Monster. Monster. Bull looks at me with a delicious combination of pity and c- actually it's just pity, pure pity.
14th over: England 41-2 (Cook 9, Pietersen 0) Watson had actually started terribly: his first ball was on the pads and tucked away for four, and his second was a wide. I was just starting to congratulate myself for hexing Watson by making him my MVP in the Cricinfo Fantasy League when he took the wicket. It was a good delivery but a poor shot from Trott, expansive and with one hand coming off the bat. He was a touch skittish in that innings.
WICKET! England 41-2 (Trott b Watson 29) The golden arm of Shane Watson gets a wicket in his first over. It was a good delivery, a full-length off-cutter that roared through a big gate as Trott played a pretty loose drive, and England are in trouble. Already. More coffee please!
13th over: England 36-1 (Cook 9, Trott 25) You have to love Johnson's run-up, full of snaking menace and sinister intent. That over was good, save from an attempted yorker that speared down the leg side. One run from it. "David Hopkins says 'I'm so tense I'm giving up on the coffee idea and getting stuck into the Barbadian rum,'" says Phil Sawyer. "The atmosphere in my household is so tense the cat's given up on the milk and has started getting stuck into the vodka."
12th over: England 35-1 (Cook 9, Trott 24) Trott pulls a gentle, leg-stump short ball from Siddle to fine leg for four more. Trott then takes a tight single to mid-on, where Clarke fumbles. That's unlike him, and lucky for England, because with a clean pick up that would have been spandex-tight. No pace in this pitch at all, although apparently it will get significantly quicker as the game goes on. After two cups of that coffee, I suspect the same will be true of Bull and Smyth's metabolism. Talking of which, our colleague and very good friend Tom Lutz has just brought over an illicit stash to keep us going tonight: Monster energy drink, Supermalt original, and Barg's Olde Tyme Root Beer. He has also brought us a bag of Monster Munch each - but this wretched fool, this former friend, has chosen Pickled Onion rather than Flamin' Hot flavour. I'm not putting those in my mouth. "Everyone looks like Lillee in Movember? " says Rachel Clifton. "I suspect your colleague has not spotted KP, who has decided to spend the Ashes as Errol-Flynn-lite...."
11th over: England 30-1 (Cook 9, Trott 19) Here is Mitchell Johnson. Nobody knows what we'll get from him. He could be an homage to Thommo, or to another MJ on this ground - MJ McCague, in 1994-95. Johnson has a great record in Australia and particularly at Brisbane. His first over is nothing to tweet home about, a range-finder that brings a couple of singles. "Now I know the Ashes has really started," says David Hopkins. "The first missive from Naylor, and I'm so tense I'm giving up on the coffee idea and getting stuck into the Barbadian rum."
10th over: England 28-1 (Cook 8, Trott 18) Cook has look very calm and composed, despite being relatively starved of the strike: he has faced only 20 balls in these first 10 overs. Trott blocks most of that Siddle over, and now there is a sense that both sides are waiting for probably the most important player in this series - Mitchell Johnson - to bowl. "Is it wrong that I want to point out that H was in Steps (5th over), not S Club 7?" says Alastair Gerrard. Blimey, you really can find everything on Statsguru these days. As for your question, it's so wrong that it's gone past right, back to wrong, back to right again and then back round t- I think I've had too much coffee. I've nearly finished my second cup already. What about the next 23 hours?
9th over: England 27-1 (Cook 7, Trott 18) Hilfenhaus again goes full to Trott, but this time he is crunched nicely down the ground for a couple. Trott then plays a daft shot, trying to work a full delivery outside off stump through midwicket; instead he gets a leading edge that flies on the bounce to Hussey at gully. Trott isn't quite in his cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof mode from the South African tour a year ago, but he's a little manic. "I watched a lot of the two recent series played in India and Punter was always wasting that referral," says Gary Naylor. "If the ball doesn't swing, the ball almost always takes the pad outside the line or goes on to fail to hit the interior of the leg stump - as required to overturn a not out. Strauss should look and learn." I agree with that as a rule but I reckon that, in context, it was just about a legitimate gamble. The potential impact of such a wicket was enormous.
8th over: England 23-1 (Cook 7, Trott 14) Drip by drip, ball by ball, it feels a little safer to emerge from behind the sofa. The moment I type that, Siddle turns Trott round and the edge falls just short of Ponting at second slip. Man that was close. Trott's response is a woolly drive that squirts to leg for a single. For the most part England have looked comfortable in these eight overs, but every now and then they play the situation and not the delivery. "Can't let a discussion on 'suspense in commentary' pass without sending this in (3:08 - the view of Bill Werbeniuk at 3:44 is the key section)," says Jo Davis, with a generous take on the word 'discussion'. But appreciate we're not at the stage for levity. Resting pulse 144." It's in three figures? That's some serious sang froid.
7th over: England 20-1 (Cook 6, Trott 12) That's a nice stroke from Cook, who works Hilfenhaus off his pads for a couple. Later in the over, Trott dumps a filthy leg-stump half-tracker to fine leg for four. Hilfenhaus slipped in his delivery stride, hence the filthy leg-stump etc. The next ball was also homing on leg stump but dangerously so: it was very full and brought a strangled shout for LBW. It's clearly a plan to bowl full and straight to Trott early on, because he likes to walk across his stumps. "Rather a lot of face fuzz on display on the Aussies," says John Stonestreet. "I know KP is growing some for charity but are any of the australians? PS Fancy a couple of AFC Hornchurch key rings?" Yes please. We'll take and plug absolutely anything. And the sender of our favourite freebie will receive some unspecified, useless prize at the end of the series.
6th over: England 12-1 (Cook 3, Trott 8) Trott in particular is only playing when he absolutely needs to do so. That's a sensible tactic in any first session, but especially the first session of an Ashes series. Just one from the over. "Movember," says my colleague Russell Cunningham. "This is like the clone wars - every bugger looks like Lillee." And, in my head at least, every bugger is bowling like him at the moment. More coffee please!
5th over: England 11-1 (Cook 2, Trott 8) Trott is beaten by a snorting leg-cutter from Hilfenhaus. That was an absolute peach. Just one from the over, and England simply need to bat time for the next hour. More coffee please! "Don't panic," says Paul Griffin. "No team has won the Ashes when the bowler and catcher of their first wicket shared the first letter of their surnames with the first name of a member of S Club 7. The tide of history is already turning against Australia."
4th over: England 10-1 (Cook 1, Trott 8) Alastair Cook works Siddle into the leg side to get off the mark. Siddle then rams in a short one that Trott avoids comfortably. There don't appear to be any demons in this pitch, which is a good job as there are plenty of them running riot in the collective English consciousness - that of the fans, if not the players. And no wonder, because Trott has just survived a referral to the third umpire! He played around his front pad at Siddle and was smacked just below the knee-roll. Aleem Dar thought about it for a long time and said not out, but Ricky Ponting went for the referral. It was shaving leg, which means the original decision stands - but to compound our not inconsiderable misery, the host broadcaster buggered it up and said that Trott was out! I can't take any more of this, and we're only four overs in! "If you high-five yourself, don't you essentially look like one of those clapping wind-up monkeys?" says Phil Sawyer. "Anyway, I've already put away my fighting trousers and put on my Just Drink More Vodka It's All A Dream This Is The Way Things Are Supposed To Be trousers.
3rd over: England 8-1 (Cook 0, Trott 8) To return to Barry Davies, Hilfenhaus v Trott should theoretically have all the excitement of a staring contest, but that was a pretty eventful over. Trott, pushing a little indeterminately, gets the first runs of the series when he squirts a low edge to third man for four. Two balls later he plays a much more authoritative stroke, working a poor delivery off his pads and to the square-leg boundary. On Sky, Bumble says Australia are trying to hurry Trott between deliveries. Trott then square-drives along the ground to point. Every time an England player so much as moves his bat, I get a horrible feeling of impending doom. I'm too old for this. "I'm sitting in an office in Sydney with to other Brits and a Swiss person," says Tom Adams. "Even without any Aussies here, the Swiss person has already had a good laugh about Strauss. I feel this could be a long summer."
2nd over: England 0-1 (Cook 0, Trott 0) Peter Siddle, the mongrel of this Australian attack, shares the new ball. Alastair Cook almost slips over as he plays forward to his second delivery. Otherwise he is comfortable, leaving whenever possible. The pitch looks pretty slow thus far. "I high-fived myself on hearing we'd won the toss," says Ian Copestake. "I may wet myself if we actually score a run. Who needs coffee when you have Ashes?" I don't think your grundies have much to worry about at the moment.
1st over: England 0-1 (Cook 0, Trott 0) If anyone can douse this atmosphere, it's Jonathan Trott. He takes guard, solves 74 complex mathematical problems and then finally faces up to his first ball. He defends solidly to his first and third deliveries, and Hilfenhaus has started the Ashes with a wicket maiden. Dear me. "Goodnight Rob," says Luke Dealtry.
WICKET! England 0-1 (Strauss c Hussey b Hilfenhaus 0) I am Jack's numbing deja vu: Andrew Strauss has gone third ball! I cannot believe this. Strauss was out on the pull here twice four years ago and now he has gone to another of his favourite shots, the cut, slapping it straight to Hussey in the gully. I cannot believe that. I simply cannot believe that. There was a bit of bounce and maybe it was a touch too close for the shot - but even so, Strauss plays that shot in his sleep. He puts his hand straight to his head in shock, and he is not the only one.
1st ball: England 0-0 (Strauss 0, Cook 0) The first ball deserves an entry of its own, given the importance it has assumed, but that's only when the ball is in the hands of clammy-palmed Englishman. This time, Ben Hilfenhaus does what Ben Hilfenhaus does: bowls a decent delivery outside off stump that Andrew Strauss leaves. In other news, we had 50 emails before play. I'll try to read them all but obviously my main focus is WHERE MY NEXT CUP OF THIS ASTONISHINGLY GOOD COFFEE IS COMING FROM, FOR EFF'S SAKE the cricket. Anyway, here's one. "The world's strongest coffee," says John Foster. "Looking at the website I see each cup contains 'almost three espressos'. Why not just have three espressos and be done with it? Hell, why not go mental and have four?"
In his utterly engaging autobiography, the brilliant Barry Davies, in a passage bemoaning the increasing absence of silence in modern commentaries, makes the lovely point that no words in any sport have ever built suspense quite like David Coleman saying simply "The Olympic Games men's 100-metre final" and then leaving a few seconds before the gun. So in the spirit of that - and because you poor folk will have to read tens of thousands of words on here throughout the series - I'll leave you for the next ten minutes, until Ben Hilfenhaus bowls the first ball, with one simple phrase.
The Ashes, 2010-11.
Trying to predict the result of a series like this is almost completely pointless So:
Andy Bull: Australia 1-2 England or Australia 2-2 England
Rob Smyth: Australia 3-1 England
Are you yawning yet? I tried napping this afternoon but it was no good. Of course, one of the challenges of overnight OBOing is trying to ensure that you don't wake up in a pool of your own drool two or three hours after Graeme Swann has taken a hat-trick and just after an email containing Alan Sugar's catchphrase has dropped into your inbox from T. Man.
That shouldn't be a problem tonight, however, because Betfair have supplied Bull and Smyth with some special coffee. To call it industrial strength is to flatter turps: this is the world's strongest coffee, and it's recommended that you have no more than two cups in 24 hours. Bull has just prepared the first. So if either of uS STARTS SHOUTING AT ANY POINT TONIGHT, YEAH, AND GETTING REALLY EMOTIONAL ABOUT THE GREATEST, MOST LIFE-CHANGING DOT BALL WE'VE EVER SEEN, MAN, you should probably call 999 on our behalf.
This is also the start of our entirely unofficial campaign to get as many freebies as possible throughout the series. Send in absolutely anything you like, from energy drinks to bitten sofa cushions, and we'll plug it with as little dignity as possible. It's what the phrase 'quid pro quo' was made for.
NB: This shameless attempt to get freebies is entirely our own and not that of the Guardian
England have won the toss and will bat first. No real surprise there. It's a decent toss to win. The moment Andrew Strauss said 'we'll have a bat', my heart started thumping violently; first-date violently. Now, finally, failure is imminent and we can get it over with and move on this feels real. Ricky Ponting confirms that he would have batted, and that bears sometimes deposit malodorous processed fibre in the woods. He also says that it looks like a cracking wicket, but that with the moisture in the pitch Australia can "do some damage" early on.
It's the first time England have batted first in an Ashes series in Australia since 1990, the Kerry Packer casion match. Let's not dwell on that first day, eh?
If you haven't seen Graeme Swann's Ashes video diary, here's the latest excerpt. It's infectious, fantastic in its unashamed naffness, and hugely enjoyable.
Team news No last-minute surprises, no controversy, no stupid injuries in the warm-up. What crazy hell kinda Ashes series is this?
Australia Watson, Katich, Ponting (c), Clarke, Hussey, North, Haddin (wk), Johnson, Doherty, Siddle, Hilfenhaus.
England Strauss (c), Cook, Trott, Pietersen, Collingwood, Bell, Prior (wk), Broad, Swann, Anderson, Finn.
Nobody should really require any fluffing before this series. But just in case...
The toss Most tosses are no-brainers. This isn't. This really is a brainer. And a ballser. With the expectation of swing in Brisbane, it's a devilishly difficult decision on merit. Yet when you factor in the weight of history (for Ricky Ponting, Edgbaston 2005, since when he has never fielded first in a Test; for Andrew Strauss, Brisbane fiascos for England in 1954 and 2002) it becomes easier. I'd be extremely surprised if either side were to bowl first, but whoever bats this morning will have a job on.
Preamble Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then let's begin. Here we are again, queuing up to be put through the most moreish emotional wringer of them all: the Ashes. Between now and January 7, you can forget Kate Middleton and Katie Waissel and student demonstrations and El Clásico and the inaugural UK Twin Peaks Festival and Peep Show and Christmas shopping and Boardwalk Empire and whatever's happening in Emmerdale these days. You can even forget - and I know this won't be easy - The One Show. The Ashes is all you'll need.
It's a huge relief that the series is finally starting. Not just for the obvious it's-Christmas-morning-wake-up-Mom feeling, but because we will finally get some certainties, some inscriptions into the tablet of Statsguru. This series has as many variables and imponderables as any contest between England and Australia since, at the very least, 1989. It's the William Goldman Ashes: nobody knows anything.
Except the England XI, which we've known for months. Their preparation has been so eerily immaculate, and Australia's so weirdly shambolic, that you have to keep reminding yourself that the score is still 0-0 (well, 0.5-0 if you take into account the advantage the holders of the Ashes have). It would seem there are only three things right with this England team: they can bat, they can bowl, and they can field. Then again, given what happened to the 'can't bat, can't bowl, can't field' 1986-87 side, that is not necessarily be a good thing.
No hardened England cricket fan is especially remotely comfortable when Hope addresses them on first-name terms, but concern about a smooth England build-up extends beyond the usual gallows humour. This is a team who - as Scyld Berry and Duncan Fletcher in particular have pointed out down the years - are much more comfortable in the role of underdog. They have to cope with that as well as Australia.
They also have to cope with history. It's 24 years since England won an Ashes series - or even a live Ashes Test - in Australia, and it's 22 years since Australia lost at the Gabbatoir. What a terrifying and exciting statistic that is. And what a terrifying and exciting prospect this series is. Whatever happens, we'll remember these next 43 days until we wince our last. Please, please, please let us get what we want.
* I say here. Obviously I'm sat in a Kings Cross bunker with Andy Bull, leering at a tiny screen from behind the mask
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